inspired by cracked.com

Guy #1 gloats. “I’d put a sock in her mouth and choke her.”

The rest of the guys burst out laughing.

I almost spit out my water. “That’s fucked. That’s like saying you’re going to jizz all over her face.”

Guy #2 innocently retorts, “What do you mean? Where else would you finish?”

I instantly furrow my brows at him. He’s kidding right? He’s got to be.

I pressure him for an answer, “YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?”

Guy #2’s face turns vacant. Like a deer caught in the headlights, he replies “I don’t know.”

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At the time, I didn’t understand. There was no way in hell he seriously thought that.

But he did, he meant every word.

How is this possible? Well, it’s simple. He’s never had sex. I mean, I had only met the kid that night so I couldn’t have known that for sure, but I was sure.

So let me clarify something for you boys, porn is not a good way to learn about sex. Let me reiterate that, PORN IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO LEARN ABOUT SEX.

Oh, what is that I hear from you? Oh, you want me to squeeze an entire bottle of maple syrup in your face while you shower in it like Herbal Essences. Yeah guys, that’s about how realistic it really is.

Sir, I recognize that you’ve spent a lifetime in front of your computer with a box of Kleenex, but I can assure you that does not make you a sex god. Nor does that make it right for you to treat a woman like a piece of meat.

But to some extent, I can’t blame the guy. Where else could he have possibly learned about sex?

Parents? A-ha-ha-ha. I don’t think I’ve ever met one Asian person whose parents have talked to them about sex.

Girls? Nawww, apparently a lot of guys and girls are too sensitive to even talk to their respective girlfriends/boyfriends about sex. I can't imagine they are open enough to talk to their other girl friends about their (real) sex life.

The other guys? A-HA-HA-HA. If you’re a girl and have yet to hear how guys actually talk about women, I apologize on their behalf.

E.g. “I’m gunna fuck that shit so hard tonight.”

Yeah, I’ve actually overheard a guy saying that to his other friends. The worst part was that he was actually talking about his girlfriend. Oh you didn’t know? How could you have, when the guy referred to the woman as a disposable object instead of a human being?

I’ve even known more than one guy to openly admit to his girlfriend that she was bad in bed. I think they were just asking for a life time of abstinence.

On the flipside, girls, don't think you're safe yet. Because this one, I am also certain of, COSMO IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO LEARN ABOUT SEX.

It’s a decent magazine with a lot of random entertaining material. But sometimes I wonder where they get some of this crap?

I think I was 16/17 when I first read, “Take his balls in your mouth and jiggle it around.”

What?

Let me say that again, WHAT?

Apparently, they have gone as far as saying, “Very softly, bite the skin of his scrotum”.

A-HA! Well that reminds me of this story I read in the news.

Crazy ex-girlfriend seduces boy to have sex in the bedroom of a random house party. When he decides this is a bad idea, he backs off, only to have her fucking bite of his balls and try to swallow them. Lucky for him, she choked on that sucka and was forced to spit it back out. The ambulance found him bleeding profusely with his ball in hand.

True story, though probably inspired by Cosmo.